Celebrity Edition

This author has a long history of making fun of celebrities. It is almost like an affliction with no effective treatment; how can one not mock people who put themselves in the public eye and then wear things like this or this (to be clear, she could weigh 30 pounds more or less and I would still mock this outfit relentlessly; there is no excuse now for those jeans, nor was there 15 years ago when Delia*s was selling them)? As pillars of society and shapers of contemporary culture, celebrities offer themselves to us for intense scrutiny. We must question these self-appointed representatives, purveyors, and/or creators of pop culture – morally, ethically, and aesthetically. Actually, it’s really only the aesthetic part that matters to me; let’s be honest, everything else is inessential. This entry is (mostly) not reflective of their talents; indeed there is much collective talent below. But when their hair detracts from whatever talent they do have, is it not incumbent upon us to tell them? And so comes the first slew of famous, despicable dreads, in descending order of celebrity (according to me). Several of these celebrities no longer have dreads, but unfortunately for them, as Superbad taught us, people don’t forget. We would be remiss to let this hair slaughter slip anonymously into the  annals of history. We have a duty. We must speak the truth. We are documentarians, all of us.

1)

Korn (or KoЯn, if you’re really hardcore). They get top billing because so many of them have atrocious dreads. In this pic, 75% of them! As a side note, is it fair to describe Jonathan Davis’ vocals as showing an impressive range, varying between guttural monotone and nasally whine? 



“Hey there. Want to be in my band? Your dreads have to suck as much as our music. Shouldn’t be hard.”

2)

White Zombie.  Apparently, when it comes to metal bands, dreadlocks really enhance their image. Is there something that suggests EDGY DANGER about dreads? Cultural appropriation…and consequent vilification? “Dreads are scary and unknown, as they come from historically scary and unknown people. This will be perfect to worry all those suburban soccer moms.”

3)

Adam Duritz, of Counting Crows. His dreadlocks are more Sideshow Bob than Bob Marley, no?
 

Your hair should not suggest you are secretly a Conehead.

4)

Ani DiFranco. Jesus, those are stupid.

5)

Jeordie White, aka Twiggy Ramirez, of Marilyn Manson, A Perfect Circle, and NIN. Apparently, the mid to late ’90s were the golden age of metal/industrial dreads. How embarrassing.

6)

“Do I scare you?…’cause that’s what I’m going for. Man, I really hope it’s working.”
Max Cavalera, formerly of Sepultura, currently of Soulfly. See what I mean? Apparently, things have only gotten worse over the years for his dreads. In fact, I’m not even 100% sure what to call all of…that.

7)

Jason Castro. Perhaps more of a pseudocelebrity than actual, a former contestant on American Idol, which, I’m pretty sure, has yet to produce an actual American idol (Does the readership consider commercial success indicative of idolatry? If so, then I suppose that by that standard American Idol has, in fact, produced some idols. This author disagrees, let it be known.). This picture is so painful I don’t even know where to start, though apparently he has also been shopping at Delia’s circa 1998. Nice shirt, brah.

8)

Crystal Bowersox. It’s really a shame that her incredible face is obliterated by her ridiculous dreads.

9)

Promoe, a Swedish rapper in the group Looptroop Rockers. Admittedly, this is not a celebrity I have heard of, but as stated, this is a global effort. In this author’s opinion, if your hair resembles a beaver’s tail, it may be time to reassess your choices.

10)

Zoe Keating, who, the internet says, is a famous cellist.  I thought Yo-Yo Ma pretty much had the market cornered on being a famous cellist. Her music is lovely, but this site is not about talent. It’s about bad hair. Despite her niche celebrity, I could not pass up ginger dreads on a white person almost as pale as your very own author.

Thus, Dreaded White People’s first Celebrity Edition is concluded. Who was left out? Submit your infamous and non-famous offenders.